Millions of enraged motorists sitting alone in their cars punched their steering wheels, dashboards and windscreens until their fists bled today as they sat in traffic jams this afternoon on the way home from work, on hearing the news that the government intends to charge their town-centre employers £250 for every member of staff who drives into work.
The levy is to be trialled in Nottingham in 2012, with councils in Milton Keynes, Oxford and Cambridge also expressing an interest. The scheme is designed to raise funds for local councils to spend on public transport infrastructure.
"How dare the government interfere in my God-given right to drive my beautiful car wherever I bloody like, whenever I bloody please?" thundered a red-faced Nottingham motorist who had just popped into town to get a pint of milk. "Fuck it - as soon as I get home I'm to fill my car with explosives, then I'll be right back to drive it straight into the front of the Guildhall. That'll teach the greedy, thieving bastards to fuck with my human rights."
"'Course, with all this bleeding traffic that could take an hour," he added furiously, "And I only live a mile away, would you believe?"
"Everyone knows that public transport is just a sort of mobile drop-in centre for mentals and coffin-dodgers," shouted a fuming woman in a cute red Mini she called Horace for some reason only known to herself. "I'd rather kill myself now than be gang-raped by a busload of perverts while the ape-like retard at the wheel jumps up and down on the pedals in some kind of voyeuristic frenzy."
"Now we really are living in Nazi Germany," yelled a man in a white van at a set of traffic lights. Dozens of other road users cheered their agreement, then screamed, "Fucking wake up and get a fucking move on, you dozy fucking twat."
Jeremy Clarkson is reportedly under heavy sedation in hospital, after swearing his lips to shreds when he heard of the plans.
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