God-bothering doctors are demanding the right to seize their patients by the head during consultations, force them to their knees and tell them that their health is dependent on sorting out their relationship with their personal saviour Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today and forever hallelujah.
Members of the Medical Fellowship of Jesus Freaks are to raise the issue at the British Medical Association's conference in Liverpool on Monday.
"Sadly, as a cancer specialist, I am used to seeing the anguish on the faces of the unsaved when I break the news to them that they have a malignant, inoperable tumour which is going to kill them," witnessed Dr Bernadette Bullwinkle. "I would feel so much better if I could point out that, in the light of their imminent departure from this world of sin and sorrow, now might be a very good time for them to accept God into their hearts and acknowledge Christ as their only hope of life everlasting."
"Yet, thanks to the influence of the Father of Lies, the government still sees fit to prevent me from offering them the very real hope that, if they only acknowledge Christ's victory over death and dedicate their lives to prayer, it may well be His will to take away the cancer," she added. "Amen. Thank you, Lord. Amen."
Some patients, however, have expressed reservations about doctors interfering in their spiritual lives.
"I think I'd be a little worried if I was referred to a specialist who, in all seriousness, believes implicitly that the human body is a lump of clay given life by the breath of some nebulous deity," said a man we interviewed in a hospital waiting room. "And my wife, who is in labour, hasn't stopped screaming since discovering that her obstetrician insists that the agony of childbirth is merely God's just punishment of womankind for Eve's apple-related transgression in the Garden of Eden."
Not all doctors share the views of their happy-clappy colleagues, either.
"My objections to the introduction of a spiritual element into the field of medicine are twofold," explained a research consultant specialising in DNA analysis. "Firstly, I would question the scientific principles of any doctor who fails to acknowledge the inherent conflict between the biblical account of creation and the ever-growing body of evidence supporting evolution."
"And secondly, of course, as a senior medical practitioner I am God," he added.
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