Much-Calmed Iranians Thank Ayatollah For Kindly Telling Them What To Think

Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khameneiac, has held a mass public rally, urging disgruntled voters to respect the ballots or, failing that, to respect the bullets currently being loaded into magazines by itchy-fingered Revolutionary Guards.

In a speech addressed directly to thousands of his supporters, who had been bussed into Tehran University from hardline strongholds outside the capital, the Ayatollah said that Britain was "the most evil" of the country's enemies, accusing Gordon Brown of organising unrest in Iran. The British government later summoned the Iranian ambassador to point out that Gordon Brown was obviously incapable of organising the opening of his own flies before taking a leak, let alone fomenting mass protests in a hostile country thousands of miles away.

Ayatollah Khameneiac then told his mindslaves that Allah had revealed to him the evil machinations of American president Barack Obama, in which millions of CIA agents had been parachuted into Iran to vote for Mir Hussein Mousavi. He also accused the Pentagon of developing an anti-Islamic smart bomb that would make the burqa transparent, rendering Iranian men incapable of doing anything but drooling with perverted lust and desperately clutching their trousers.

Throughout the Supreme Dalek's speech, defeated candidate Mr Mousavi sat a few feet from his sworn rival, the victorious President Ahmedinejad, furtively scanning the hall for possible exits.

Meanwhile, an Iranian woman who asked whether she might one day be invited to vote was democratically beaten to death by her loving owner.