There is nothing at all wrong with a regulatory system that allowed the UK's financial institutions to bankrupt the entire country, saddling two generations of Britons with a mountain of debt, says Alistair Darling.
"The tripartite regulatory system designed by the world's leading economist, Gordon Brown, which comprises the Treasury, the Bank of England and the Financial Services Authority, is the absolute pinnacle of perfect infallibility," explained the red-faced Chancellor of the Exchequer. "The blame for this terrible fiasco lies solely and squarely on the shoulders of the reckless bloody idiots who ran the banks, and no regulator could possibly have observed that the sheer, naked greed of these twisted, avaricious goblins might be leading to fiscal armageddon."
"With hindsight, perhaps, a braver man than me might think that the regulators could have asked harder questions, like 'what the fuck is a Structured Investment Vehicle?' or 'surely you're just plucking big numbers out of thin air, aren't you?' he continued, casting furtive glances over his shoulder. "But you didn't hear that from me. The official line is that Gordon Brown is definitely not some kind of economic fuckwit who couldn't be trusted to watch grass grow without utterly ballsing it up."
As a black cloud billowed into the press conference, denoting the imminent arrival of the prime minister, Mr Darling quickly mopped his sweating brow and gabbled, "And so it was all the fault of Sir Fred Goodwin. Who on earth put that incompetent Scottish arsehole in charge?"
At this point Mr Brown entered the room, glared at the cringing Chancellor - who yelped and cowered behind the podium - then turned and stamped off, muttering "Et tu, Darling?"
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