Apple CEO Undergoes Cool Transplant

Apple has today revealed that its chief executive, Steve Jobs, underwent transplant surgery several weeks ago.

Mr Jobs, who co-founded the computer company in 1976, is understood to have had his soul removed and replaced with a cold block of granite.

"When you think Apple, you think Steve Jobs," said a cool dude spokesman. "To many of our customers, Apple stands for stylish design, instant street cred and a feeling of superiority. However, the fact is that Steve's soul began withering away to nothing as early as 1997, when we threw him a huge salary to tempt him back and give people the impression that we weren't really being run by a bunch of corporate suits. As we've relentlessly reduced what used to be a quality alternative to beige boxes to nothing more than a flashy PC with a garish, headache-inducing operating system and an eye-watering mark-up, Steve has been there to reassure you all that you are the creative elite."

"Just when some of you were starting to suss it, along came Steve with the iPod, a wonky white hard drive with a headphone socket that wasn't any different from any other MP3 player, except it forced you to pay through the nose for our iTunes downloads," he went on. "Then we fixed a couple of the bugs and sold it to you again. Then we made a smaller one that was so attractively thin it snapped if you put it in your pocket, and you still loved us. On the back of that, we relaunched our sluggish laptops by making a big issue of the fact that they were an incredibly stylish 1mm thinner than anything ever seen before - and when the batteries exploded in flames, you just went out and bought a new one. Clever, clever you. All your friends are in awe of you.

"Now Steve has managed to flog you three iPhones, just by launching them with half an operating system - and not once, but twice. You're all so hip and trendy, it hurts. I'm sure you all wish him a speedy recovery - and we hope that, with the last vestiges of his soul ruthlessly excised by the surgeon's knife, he will continue to pull the wool over your eyes for many years to come."

However, it was later reported by doctors that Mr Jobs' new granite soul had been found to have several chips and cracks, and would be replaced by slightly-improved, thinner versions on Tuesday and Friday.