Sunday, 22 March 2009

Naked Pictures of Politician Not Gordon Brown: Relieved Britain Unclenches Arse Muscles

News Limited, an Australian newspaper group owned by Rupert Murdoch, has apologised for publishing fake nude photographs of the right-wing politician Pauline Hanson in the run-up to Saturday's elections in Queensland, which are thought to have contributed to her failure to win a seat.

Ms Hanson achieved international notoriety in the 90s, when she claimed that Australia was "in danger of being swamped by Asians."

A red-faced Blimey Strewth, editor of Sydney's Sunday Pornograph, said that, when a man with a briefcase full of nudey pics turned up calling himself Jack Johnson and claiming to have been Ms Hanson's lover in the 70s, with the benefit of hindsight it might have been sensible to check up on whether Ms Hanson had ever actually had a boyfriend of that name.

Initial investigations appear to suggest that the mysterious 'Jack Johnson' may in fact be an elderly ex-Australian kingpin known as 'The Dirty Digger', now a US citizen with an Asian wife, who has stealthily built up some kind of dodgy globe-spanning organisation based upon a fabric of lies, political interference and tax avoidance run by members of his close 'family'.

Meanwhile, the editor of Melbourne's Sunday Herald Sun Times Mail Express World, Drongo Cobber, admitted that closer inspection might have cast doubt on whether the red-haired, stocky racist and politician would really have had such a small-breasted, brown-skinned body.

"Thirty years of ageing can change the human body in a lot of ways," he said ruefully, "But we really ought to have noticed that, although Ms Hanson's body would seem to have grown a foot taller and changed colour, her pasty face and ginger hair don't seem to have changed at all. Nor would she seem the most likely candidate to be photographed starkers on a bamboo verandah, fanning herself with a flattened conical hat."

"And the most cursory examination of the photographs ought to have suggested that, unless Ms Hanson was secretly a world expert in electronic miniaturisation, she probably wouldn't have been holding a small mobile phone to her ear in the seventies either," he added sheepishly. "Indeed, now that I look closely at the pictures, I'd guess that she probably doesn't have a small penis, either."

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