A year of national mourning begins today, after a sobbing Max Clifford told the world that Jade Goody had finally given up her long struggle for publicity and expired with a loud fart in the small hours of this morning.
Mr Clifford said that - in addition to himself, a photographer from the News of the World, a Dying TV film crew and an artist-in-residence - Ms Goody's mother Jakkquiey-ee, thugsband Jack Twatt and a beer buddy called Kevin were at her bedside when she was finally evicted from the Big Brother House of life.
"I fink she's gunna be remembud as a young girl wot as, and wot will, save an orful lot of lives, wot wiv razin awernuss of civical cansa inall, cos nobugga ad never erd uv it befaw she wen an got it, like," said the Kevin in a moving tribute. "She wuz a very, very brave girl innit, an she faced ur def in the way she faced ur ole life. Farst asleep."
Mr Clifford said he hoped the family would be left to grieve in peace, at least until he had signed them all up to sell the slavering newspapers their exclusive stories of how Jade's epic battle to die with publicity would change their lives forever.
Within minutes of the announcement, Ms Goody's home was completely buried under a growing mountain of flowers left by a grieving public who had somehow managed to find a well-stocked florist open at dawn on a Sunday morning.
The government told the shocked nation that black armbands would be mandatory for the next twelve months, and anybody callous enough not to be wearing one in public would be subjected to summary mob justice.
"Thank God the British public has been prepared for this awful day by the dress rehearsals so kindly provided by Wendy Richard and Natasha Richardson," said Gordon Brown. "From now on, Mother's Day will be officially renamed Jade Day so that future generations can learn to live by her shining example."
All eyes have turned to Buckingham Palace, however, where a baying mob is threatening to storm the gates and tear the Queen limb from limb unless she immediately hoists a flag at half mast before abasing herself on the balcony before the nation in floods of tears.
Meanwhile, Harrods owner Mohammed Fayed rang reporters to say that he had been out for a stroll near Ms Goody's house shortly before her demise, and was certain that he had seen Prince Philip driving away at speed in a white Fiat Uno.
Indeed, even more outlandish conspiracy theories are beginning to appear on the internet to cast doubts on whether Ms Goody is really dead, with some bloggers going so far as to claim that her whole life may in fact be nothing more than a gigantic media hoax perpetrated over several years by Dom Joly.
Ms Goody's autopsy is to be broadcast live exclusively on Dying TV, said Mr Clifford.
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