Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Brown Urges World To Become Hellish Conglomeration of Every Satirical Utopia Ever Written

Gordon Brown has delivered a remarkable speech to the Erewhonian Parliament today, urging Erewhon and Laputa to work together to forge a new "moral" global capitalism.

"The means to deal with the worldwide economic hurricane is staring us in the face," pouted Mr Brown as he explained his vision. "We must ensure that moral paragons of impeccable spiritual authority are allowed to run our financial institutions in a caring and responsible way. The accumulation of massive wealth by a greedy, privileged class is the only way in which money can be distributed equally throughout all levels of society."

The prime minister went on to outline some of the other spectacular ideas which had been coming to him lately at three in the morning.

"In Britain we are already seeing more and more convicted criminals working in law enforcement," he boasted. "But that is only the beginning. I look forward to the day when all of the world's police forces are staffed exclusively by amoral sociopaths, leading inevitably to the abolition of crime altogether. In Britain's brave new world we have also proudly pioneered the principle of democratic dictatorship, thanks to New Labour's dedicated implementation of popular totalitarianism. With the introduction of the Employment Support Allowance, we can be justly proud that we have gone a long way towards treating the sick and disabled like criminals. And in partnership with our great Laputan allies across the Atlantic, we have brought everlasting peace to the world through the barrel of a gun."

"But I do not want to rest on my laurels," he added, his voice rising to a crescendo. "I hope to see a world of caring carnivorism, in which the cruelty of nature red in tooth and claw is mitigated by heartfelt tears of pity and sympathy shed by predators. I shall be preaching this message to my great friends, the crocodiles, when I walk amongst them during my forthcoming visit to the Reptile House at London Zoo."

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