Friday, 27 March 2009

Shrewd PM Discerns Elements of Inequality in Monarchy

Gordon Brown has been talking to Buckingham Palace about reforming the ancient traditions of the monarchy, in a half-assed attempt to distract the media from speculation about the probable extent of ridicule heaped on his head by jeering G20 leaders, and predictions that the summit will be the catalyst for bloody civil war on the streets of Britain.

"The monarchy is widely regarded as the last bastion of inequality in Britain," the Prime Minister bellowed through the gates at the royal residence. "It is the stark epitome of the fundamental disparities that divide our society. The evil canker which lurks at the very heart of Britain's royalty must be excised without hesitation."

The Queen, meanwhile, was seen to be struggling to haul an antique musket onto the balcony rail, encouraged by Prince Philip's shouts of "Kill the prole, old girl - no one's going to miss him," and "I told you all along - those Labour politicians are all getting their orders from Stalin."

"Britain today is a society deeply divided," continued the PM hoarsely, ignoring the clicking cameras of Japanese tourists. "How much longer will the lowly subjects of Her Britannic Majesty tolerate the injustices perpetrated against them by a small number of individuals, whose position is purely an accident of history? The time has come for the elected government of the people to take swift, decisive action to bring an end to this institutionalised slight against millions!"

Mr Brown was interrupted by a loud blast from the palace, as the Queen fired the unwieldy relic of the English Civil War at her leading minister. Staggering to her feet after the weapon's unexpected recoil, she saw Mr Brown rolling on the ground, clutching his groin and screaming in pain: "You silly old bag, I was only referring to parts of the Act of Settlement, 1701 which govern female accession and prevent the heir from marrying a Catholic!"

"Somebody call me an ambulance," added the Prime Minister, causing a brief smirk to play upon the face of the Guardsman standing impassively on duty at the gates of the palace.

Mr Brown was eventually taken to hospital when Jack Straw arrived bearing a flag of truce, and was later released with a blue plaster on his willy. The latest opinion polls indicate that, thanks to the unfortunate misunderstanding, the monarchy's popularity has swiftly soared to levels unknown since 1945.

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