Home Secretary: ‘I Am Constantly Mobbed By Pixies Begging For ID Cards’

The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, revealed today that she is followed everywhere by mischievous, tiny pixies asking her to give them ID cards.

“Everywhere I go, I am followed by lovable little faerie folk who are visible only to me,” she explained in the middle of announcing the latest revised - i.e. delayed - government timetable for rolling out the deeply-unpopular population-monitoring system. “They jump up and sit on my shoulder, whispering in my ear: ‘Please, Jacqui Smith, won’t you give us nice shiny biometric ID cards? See, we have money.’ They are so disappointed at having to wait until 2012 for the government to force them to pay to prove they exist.”

Ms Smith refused, however, to confirm that she is also plagued by wicked imps on the other shoulder, whispering that even Hitler didn’t have the cheek to charge everyone in the Third Reich for the dubious privilege of having their personal lives constantly monitored and interfered with by overbearing, unaccountable state officials.

“Do you really want to live in a state of constant fear?” she retorted. “Vote Labour.”