Following Barack Obama’s decisive and historic win over John McCain in the US presidential election yesterday, a spokesman for Southerners called Cletus formally announced that he, together with his estimated 3,000,000 brothers, sisters and cousins of the same name, would be a-polishing their shotguns and setting out to bag thesselves a president-elect for the trophy room.
“Ah’ll be danged if it ain’t the dawn of a new era for America and the entire world,” said Cletus, his six fingers caressing the cold blue barrel of his trusty Remington. “But me’n mah kin, we jes’ cain’t beah th’ idea o’ some jumped-up middle-class Yankee attorney feller settin’ there in Washington tellin’ me ah cain’t drive mah big ol’ Chevy pickup no more. He black, y’say? Cain’t say as ah’ve noticed.”
Rumours of a second American Civil War continued to spread among the former Confederacy states, all of which voted Republican. Mr Obama, meanwhile, will spend the next two months in conditions of unprecedented security on the International Space Station before he is sworn in by President Bush, who will hopefully have been told by then that Obama’s election means his term of office is coming to an end.
Senator McCain was gently woken at 4am yesterday morning to be told that California’s votes meant a victory for his Democrat opponent. He smiled vaguely before settling back inside his teapot for another lengthy snooze.
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