The Communities Secretary, Hazel Blears, today launched a scathing attack on the Nev Filter, squarely blaming the political blog for every single thing that was wrong with the country today.
“Before that fat Janner bastard started poisoning the internet with his corrosive, right-wing cynicism,” she fumed, “Britain was a happy-go-lucky country where everyone chatted to their neighbours over the garden fence, city gents politely raised their bowlers and gave up their seats for ladies, and friendly local bobbies chuckled, ‘On your way now, you little scamps,’ to laughing young tearaways who did nothing more annoying than ask them for the time in a slightly cheeky manner.
“Since Nev fuelled political disengagement by focusing his disdain for the political system and politicians on scandals, conspiracies and perceived hypocrisy, wild-eyed crack-jackals terrorise quiet suburbs by racing around in speed tanks and firing their drug guns at frightened grandmothers. This pessimistic net terrorist will not rest until every single British child has become a jackbooted degenerate zombie, mindlessly repeating his twisted mantras of despair.”
The Nev Filter tracked down the elusive Nev, crouching in a smoke-filled room typing this very sentence into his hate-computer, and confronted him with a photograph of the Communities Secretary and her unfeasibly red hair.
“I’m so very sorry for all the suffering I’ve caused,” he sobbed. “Please forgive me, Hazel Blears. I was led astray by my ill-considered belief in the importance of standards in public life and the accountability of our elected representatives. I now understand that I am nothing but a sick poster-boy for the malevolent forces of neo-Fascism. Hanging is too good for verminous scum like me. I shall try to devise a more suitable demise for myself, perhaps involving a red-hot poker and a power-drill.”
“You rabid, hypocritical bitch,” he added.
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