Catholic Church to Test Would-Be Priests With Tempting Images of Tender, Fresh Young Bottoms

Candidates for Catholic priesthood should be screened for homosexual tendencies, according to the latest guidelines from the Vatican.

The Catholic Church has been rocked in recent years by a series of embarrassing scandals in which it was found that most Catholic boys spend their entire childhood being rogered senseless every week by their local priest.

In the document, published on Thursday, the Vatican’s Congregation for Catholic Education suggests that the early detection of what it calls “sometimes pathological” defects before candidates enter the priesthood would help to avoid tragic experiences.

“The screening process is both simple and infallible,” said the Pope. “Each candidate will be stripped naked and thrust into a small cubicle, where he will be relentlessly bombarded with hundreds of lewd photographs of naked boys which we have confiscated from our clergy. A video camera will be trained on his shameful area, and the slightest twitch of arousal will result in the naked, engorged candidate being immediately hurled from the seminary into the streets, where irate tabloid readers will know exactly what to do with him.”

Gay rights groups have questioned the church’s apparent equation of disgusting child-molesting perverts with homosexuality, while non-Catholics who are destined to burn in hell forever have even suggested that the church’s policy of ordering perfectly normal men to spend their entire adult lives tormented by the strictly-enforced denial of every natural sexual urge could perhaps have something to do with so many of them turning out to be revolting sexual deviants who abuse their privileged position of trust by preying mercilessly on innocent children and then threatening them with sulphurous damnation for all eternity if they tell their parents.

“Our Blessed Lord Jesus Christ seems to have managed OK,” snapped the Pope, reaching for a thumbscrew. “I mean, if a supernatural earthly manifestation of the Lord God Almighty could keep His john thomas out of little boys‘ arses, how difficult can it possibly be?”

“Excuse me,” he added. “I have to go to the lavatory.”

Jesus, meanwhile, is reported to have wept.