Rock of All Ages, Equally Represented

Cabinet minister Harriet Harman has announced new measures to outlaw age discrimination, as part of the forthcoming Equalities Bill.

Age discrimination has been illegal in the workplace since 2006, except for the government-stipulated lower minimum-wage rates for those under the age of 22. However, the new proposals are aimed at more widespread forms of ageism in the provision of goods, facilities and services.

“It is a disgrace, in this day and age, that people born in lower-numbered years are singled out for differential treatment,” said Ms Harman. “We will abolish the self-evidently discriminatory old age pension, thereby freeing those people to apply for Jobseekers’ Allowance instead. The Senior Citizens’ Railcard - which reinforces negative stereotypes - will be abolished, as will the Young Person’s Railcard. Free local transport for senior citizens locks them into a cycle of dependency, which we will break, giving them the freedom to offer financial support to the transport providers of their choice.”

The Equalities Minister went on to say that the term ‘child’ was inherently hierarchical and would be outlawed, along with the restrictions that accompanied it.

“There are plenty of idiots over 16 driving cars,” she said. “Who are we to deny the freedom of the roads to a sensible 12-year-old? Why does Age Concern discriminate against the young and middle-aged? Why are so-called ‘baby buggies’ not built in larger sizes for adults who tire easily? Why do our armed forces disqualify those who fought with such distinction in World War II from offering their experience to their country, in its hour of need? How can we expect children to obey their parents, if the parents do not obey their children? And why should a committed, loving couple be denied the opportunity to raise a family just because some antiquated, nannying law forbids them from marrying at ten?”

At this point, Foreign Secretary David Miliband sneaked up behind Ms Harman and emptied a large syringe into the back of her head.

“I’m very sorry,” said Ms Harman. “Please ignore everything I just said.”