Train to Gain

Britain’s railways may see their first major expansion since the 19th century, as Network Rail commissions a strategic review of five mainline routes to see if there is a case for building new lines. Passenger numbers have risen by 40% in the last ten years, with around 22,000 trains running on weekdays.

“By 2025 many lines will be full up, especially those running to and from the north and west of London,” said chief executive Iain Coucher. “The way things are going, we might as well park one enormous, stationary train with its front end in London and its rearmost carriage in Birmingham, book southbound passengers in the front carriage and north-bound passengers at the rear and let them walk along the 165km-long train to their seats. They’d probably get there quicker that way.”

The usual construction companies were rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect of huge amounts of taxpayers’ money flowing into their coffers. “Back in the Victorian golden age of rail expansion, the tracks were laid by vast hordes of Irish navvies, whose lives were cheap and expendable,” said an industry spokesman. “Nowadays, with all the health and safety regulations and a shortage of skilled construction workers, the sky’s the limit. Or rather, the ground is.”