The Gates of Hell

Multi-squillionaire St Bill Gates is stepping down today from the day-to-day running of Microsoft, the world’s largest software company.

Media organisations around the world united in their hymns of praise to the 52-year-old uber-nerd. As a teenager, St Bill claims, he had a vision of a personal computer on every desk in the home, rather than the usual visions which preoccupy most other teenage boys - which are, ironically, more readily available to them than ever before thanks to St Gates’ computer vision.

St Bill’s business methods have long been a source of inspiration to millions of dullards on the bottom rungs of management. Briefly, the Gates formula for mega-success is this:

1. Ensure that you are born to wealthy parents.

2. Take a good look at someone else’s hard work – for example, an obscure programming language called BASIC that has been around for a few years. Twiddle with it slightly. Persuade a huge corporate giant such as IBM to buy your version. Spend the next quarter of a century encouraging everyone to believe that you created it all yourself.

3. Take a good look at someone else’s hard work – for example, an obscure operating system called QDOS. Using some of the cash generated previously, acquire the company that developed it. Twiddle with it slightly. Change its name. Persuade your IBM chums to buy your version. Spend the next quarter of a century encouraging everyone to believe that you created it all yourself.

St Gates will retain his position as chairman of Microsoft, where he will work on special projects - thought to include building an enormous base inside a remote island volcano, cloning a midget version of himself and acquiring exclusive rights to every language ever spoken. He will also devote more time to charity work, especially whenever the word ‘monopoly’ is mentioned.