Top secret agent James Bond may have been killed in a gripping, edge-of-the-seat showdown with his arch-nemesis, Ernst Stavro Blopez, the British Secret Service announced yesterday.
Details are sketchy, but some facts are beginning to emerge from the murky waters of international intrigue. It appears that Blopez - the evil genius at the head of the small Chilean town of Baqueofbeyondo - burst through a massive police cordon in a battered old VW camper or giant mechanical crab – accounts differ – and either threw a fluffy, exploding cat at the suave super-spy, or lowered him into a pool full of freakish killer electric squid.
“How dare you come to whatever country this is, Meester Bond, and pretend it is the country next door!” sneered the arch-villain, climbing into his private space shuttle, or possibly a one-man submersible. “You are worse than General Pinochet, with your cut-price special effects and unfeasible gadgets - like the compass in the heel of your shoe and the pen that writes invisible messages in lemon juice!”
“Do you expect me to work in these conditions?” cried 007, making a desperate lunge for the safety of the make-up trailer.
“No, Meester Bond,” sneered Blopez, taking careful aim with an atomic bazooka (or it might have been a steel-toothed midget with three nipples). “I expect you to do your own stunts.”
M said that no further information was currently available - but offered reporters a quantum of solace, saying that a full report would be generally released by Columbia and MGM in the autumn, at a cinema near you.
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