Those Magnificent Men In Their Less-Than-Magnificent Flying Machines

April 1st sees the 90th anniversary of the founding of the Royal Air Force, and major celebrations have been planned to mark the event.

“We are planning a magnificent display of all our flying machines,” announced Air Vice Marshal Bigglesworth.

“The public can look forward to seeing the mighty Hercules transport, which will not go up-tiddly-up-up unless anyone fires at its unprotected fuel tanks. Super!

“That will be followed by the Nimrod maritime reconnaissance plane, which almost certainly won’t come down-tiddly-down-down in flames all by itself, as we’ve strapped Ginger into the bomb bay with a fire extinguisher. Good man!

“Then there will be a display by the new Typhoon interceptors - which will give the pilots something to do, because frankly it’s only good for intercepting Russian bombers, and we don’t see many of those nowadays. Jolly good!

“Next, there will be a tribute from our friends and allies the US Air Force, who will try not to accidentally drop any ordnance on Central London, or mistake a bendy bus for a hostile armoured personnel carrier. I say!

“Then a Chinook HC.2 will fly past at low level - unless it’s foggy of course - and will entertain the crowds with its wild gyrations as the pilot struggles with its exciting engine management system. Wizard prang!

“Finally, the Red Arrows will fly up the Thames to perform a thrilling aerobatic display of a kite that actually works, in the hope of flogging a couple to Johnny Foreigner. Chocks away!”

“Sadly, we can’t show off our huge C-17 Globemasters,” added the Air Vice Marshal. “We can only afford to rent those, and Boeing say public exhibitions aren’t covered by the terms of the lease. Toodle pip!”