Lottery Winners Prove Bourgeoisation Of Britain Project A Success

The reprogramming of the entire British public into small-minded middle-class aspirants, whose sole desire is to possess meaningless consumer objects which will make them the envy of their neighbours – a secret project set in train in 1979 by Margaret Thatcher – is now complete, according to a survey of lottery millionaires published today.

Before the National Lottery, only earls were allowed hot tubs

According to the results, the single possession most winners fondly imagine will finally give their empty lives some kind of purpose is a family-sized bucket of hot swirling water – closely followed by a dedicated room in which they can admire their vast collection of tat bought on a whim from Top Shop.

Other popular purchases of no extrinsic worth included electric gates to save them from the terrible wasted effort of getting out of the car, and a room of its own for the Xbox.

But, hearteningly, the most popular acquisition on the list is not a material thing at all. 30% proudly declared that they had hired a lowly cleaner from their own social background.

“What we really needed more than anythink in our lives, dontchano, was a peasant in the house so’s they can feel insanely jealous of all our tasty stuff, dontchano,” said £1m winner Sammi-Jo Potts, as she jabbed a finger at a wall-sized television and brayed about the decline of traditional British values of thrift and hard work – a ritual which, she firmly believes, occurs daily in the kitchen-cum diner of Buckingham Palace.