Saturday, 19 May 2012

Olympian Gift Of Fire Coming To Plymouth

Benighted Plymothians say they are looking forward to learning the secret of fire, which is being brought to them today from the lofty heights of Mount Olympus.

According to the village idiot (available in local newsagents) “billions of eyes” will be watching the remote stone-age settlement as it celebrates the arrival of fire tonight – although Argus swiftly pointed out that he only had a hundred eyes, and anyway all of them would be watching Bayern Munich v Chelsea on ITV.

How the iconic Smeaton's Tower will look
“We’m got a proppa Labrinth set opp on the ’Oe innum, moy burd,” said recently-retired tribal elder Viv Pengelly, speaking to the drooling idiot as grateful savages enthusiastically piled up brushwood ready for her starring role at the pinnacle of the evening’s festivities.

“Focken oi an’ oi’s looken fawwerrd to focken ’eeren Jamaican tawked proppa boi a reow focken darky frumm opp Babylon way innit blud,” grunted a feral devotee of the feared ‘Way of the South’. “Oi an’ oi carnt focken wait royt to troy owwt this ’ere aarson wot oi ben focken ’eeren bowt.”

“Focken,” he added, after giving the matter some thought.

Tomorrow, the foolhardy runner who dares to bring the sacred flame to Plymouth will be chained to a rock by the angry gods and have his guts pecked out by seagulls. The guts will then be stuffed into a pasty by Mr Ivor Dewdney.

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