Inner Cities Looking Forward To Arrival Of Patronising Busybodies’ Valuable Cars

Nah, it was like that when you left it, mate

Britain’s problem families have welcomed prime minister David Cameron’s latest bright idea - urging insufferably patronising middle-class pricks into their inner-city hellscapes to tell them how to find those millions of ‘hidden’ jobs which exist in his empty head - and also promised a particularly warm welcome for shiny new Chelsea tractors.

Community representatives said there were plenty of vacant off-road parking spaces round the back of their decaying tower blocks where public-spirited locals could keep a watchful eye on the luxurious 4x4s and people-carriers, whilst their owners were indoors offering the full benefit of their rose-tinted worldview to any addict incapable of running away fast enough.

“This scheme’s fackin’ brilliant right?” said problem person Sammi-Jo Potts. “That poncy twat’s only just gorn an’ announced it, an’ already I bin offered like fifty nicker a wheel offuv any Merc or Beemer yeah an’ a tenner for every satnav. ‘Assa noo Xbox sorted for startas yeah innit.”