Wanking GCSE Will Close Gender Gap

Revision guides are available at all dodgy newsagents

With today’s GCSE results providing the strongest evidence yet that boys are as thick as pigshit, the government announced plans to narrow the ever-widening gender gap by introducing a GCSE in Wanking.

“The key to bringing boys’ grades up to par is finding something that teenage boys excel at,” said schools minister Nick Gibb. “And the only field in which teenage boys exhibit any interest at all is compulsively tugging their winkies morning, noon and night. It is only right that the government should recognise their efforts and reward them accordingly.”

When pupils go back to school in September they will find that site-blocking software has been removed from their schools’ computer networks, allowing full access to an educational treasure-house of hardcore porn sites filled with every imaginable act of sordidness and then some.

“The Wanking GCSE is about far more than just wanking, although of course that’s a major element,” said Mr Gibb. “Students will be expected to chart the course of their orgasms, identifying the key stages, and to devise an idealised script for the perfect rumpy-pumpy marathon, consisting of at least six distinct acts of advanced depravity.”

Mr Gibb added that grade A* Wankers will be able to follow up their studies with an A-level in Applied Pornography, and go on to a degree in Porn Studies - which he hopes will lead to career opportunities in the media industry, following in the glorious footsteps of Express Newspapers owner and wank-magnate Richard Desmond.