Britain’s many neurotics are delighted by the news that saboteurs may have switched their magic pills for the powerful anti-psychotic drug Seroquel XL, finally giving them a genuine cause for the intolerable headaches they claim to suffer on every day with a U in its name.
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| Spreadsheet hell ahoy |
“Apparently Seroquel’s side effects are horrendous, including fatigue, dizziness, weight gain, agitation, weakness, constipation, vomiting, lethargy, tremors, stomach and back pain, irritability, confusion and suicidal thoughts,” average hypochondriac Liz Winters shrieked at a cowering pharmacist in Superdrug. “Well, I already get plenty of that from a typical stressed-out morning at the office, thank you very much. Now give me some bloody Nurofen and for God’s sake get it right - all this shouting has given me another blinding headache and it’s all your fault, you silly little foreign person.”
Meanwhile, Britain’s schizophrenics are reporting that all is, for once, peace and tranquility inside their heads.
“If your Nurofen packet has a batch number in the 13JJ, 49JJ or 57JJ range, please return it immediately,” warned the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency. “Alternatively, perhaps you could bother to read the words printed on the blister pack instead of simply fumbling for a magic pill to fling down your gullet every time your poor little brain is actually forced to think about anything.”
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