The insatiable urge to sport the virulently orange colour of a basketball has sent cases of malignant melanoma soaring, according to Cancer Research UK, with over 10,000 people developing skin cancer as a direct result of binge-tangoing.
On the same day, however, the World Cancer Research Fund reported that nobody could give a shit, with over a quarter of the population so confused by scientific advice that they ignore it completely.
"It's a load of rubbish, science, innit?" said one smouldering sunbed user, as the blackened flesh peeled from her torso. "It's all like juss numbers an' shit, it don't prove nuffink. 'Cep all that stuff about frennly bacteria an' ceramides, yeah? But I read in me stars the uva day that if I look like a rancid tangerine, Johnny Depp will come an fack me bandy every bladdy night and put me in all 'is films. I'm well up for that."
"Oh, for the love of fuck, it's not rocket science," shouted an exasperated leading cancerologist, as he banged his head against a brick wall. "If you will insist of stripping off at every opportunity and exposing your pallid white flesh to the merciless UV rays of the sun or a tanning bed, you stand a pretty good chance of dying slowly in indescribable agony, OK? Even if you're lucky, one day you'll wake up and look like Robert Kilroy-Silk's withered scrotum for the rest of your life. Is that what you want? Is it? Fine, I'll just go and develop a cure for stupidity, shall I? Then you can ignore that, too."
The advice was instantly ignored by orange fuckwits across the nation, however, who said it contradicted what they read in the Daily Mail yesterday about house prices and immigrants.
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