Serious questions are being asked today about security at the Wapping headquarters of News Corporation, after it was revealed that two members of the royal family succeeded in gaining access to sensitive areas by posing as journalists.
"Two arrogant bastards fell out of a Bentley, totally shit-faced, in the small hours of the morning," admitted a red-faced security guard at the gates. "One of them was dressed in a Nazi uniform, while the other immediately chucked his guts up against the wall of my hut. Of course I let them through. They looked like typical journalists to me."
Once inside the building, the undercover princes were waved through into the News of the World newsroom, where their bottles of Bollinger were seized by dry-throated hacks and passed eagerly from desk to desk. The intruders promptly found a couple of spare desks, sat down and wrote several stories about the celebrities with whom they had just been partying at Boujis, before staggering off in search of Rupert Murdoch's private bathroom suite.
"It seems almost impossible to believe that somebody could access this part of my dad's premises with such ease," said a shaken James Murdoch, chairman and chief executive of News Corp's UK, Europe and Asia operations. "And one of them left an upsettingly obstinate floater in the bowl, which could so easily have been a bomb. What would happen to the world without my father telling everyone who they should vote for? It doesn't bear thinking about."
Wills and Harry got as far as the accounts department, where they were in the middle of claiming back their expenses for a night on the piss when their worried bodyguards finally phoned to ask where the hell they'd got to.
"The ROYALS certainly had us all FOOLED!" admitted News of the World editor Clive Goodman sheepishly. "But even a simple CHECK of their stories against Boujis' VIP guest list would have REVEALED that - incredibly - the CELEBS whose DRUNKEN antics (dis)graced our gossip section (see pages 1-48) WERE actually there for once!"
"We have been CAUGHT with our trousers DOWN," he added. "Visit our website for the photos WE DARE NOT PRINT in a family newspaper!!!"
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