Monday 19 October 2009

Snickering Floppy-Eared Hound Buttley Hailed Winner of Wacky Races

Britain was one huge street party yesterday evening, as the nation united in joy to celebrate Jenson Buttley's historic achievement in attaining the coveted Wacky Races Passenger Championship.

Ecstatic crowds poured onto the streets after Buttley's Mean Machine GP001 trundled into fifth place at Brazil's Interlagos track, clinching his status as the fastest car passenger of 2009 and earning him a medal.

"This is the culmination of ten hard years of sitting in a Formula One car," snickered the floppy-eared hound after the race, as he clutched his long-awaited medal to his chest and floated in ecstatic glee. "I'd like to thank Ross Klunk for snapping up the old Hondastardly team for a fiver, and giving me my old job back because he was too tight to pay for a new seat to be made for somebody else."

Buttley's long road to success has been a difficult one, with long drought years in which the plucky British passenger struggled unsuccessfully to fight a natural urge to drive the car himself, despite fervent radio messages from his masters to "Please just sit there, Buttley - do nothing!"

F1 insiders say the key to Buttley's triumph was former Ferrari technical supremo Klunk's inspired decision to wire the steering wheel up to a Taser battery, putting 50,000 volts through the passenger if he touched any of the re-engined Hondastardly's controls while sitting in the cockpit.

Critics, however, say that while electrocuting the passenger may not technically breach the ever-shifting rules of the sport, it is typical of Klunk's style to win races off the track by relying mainly on legal experts instead of engineers to design his cars.

Industrial spies say that Klunk GP's first indigenous design for next season is still cloaked in secrecy. However, several Goldfinger DVDs arrived at the factory by courier last week, prompting rival teams to examine the rule book to see if it specifically outlaws tyre-slashing hubcaps, oil-slick nozzles and smokescreen generators.

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