The youth of today could potentially live forever as soulless, demented cybernetic abominations, promised a team of horribly misguided researchers at Leeds University.
"Children born now could easily live to the age of a hundred, but with the body of a 50-year-old," enthused Professor John Frankenstein of the Institute of Evil Medical and Biological Engineering. "Assuming that the 50-year-old in question is at least 90% robot, of course."
"Advances in durable implant technology and tissue regrowth, coupled with the long-overdue abandonment of outmoded ethical concerns, could see worn-out body parts replaced by gleaming alloys, ceramics and plastics," leered the professor, as he cheerfully hacked his own arm off with a circular saw and grafted an industrial welding device into place with superglue.
Colleague Professor Eileen Davros - who has replaced her entire body from the waist down with a mobility scooter - admitted that there had been little or no progress in halting the onset of senile dementia with advancing age. However, she said that advances in motor-control interfaces meant that, with the aid of a simple control device, drooling machine-creatures could easily be directed by some kind of super-intelligent 'cyber-controller' into performing simple everyday functions - such as working in call centres, stacking shelves or forcibly upgrading the remaining fully-human population.
The twisted researchers say they are seeking £50m to further their diabolical schemes. A spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions said the proposal was "extremely interesting", pointing out that if everyone had the body of a 50-year-old, they would never reach retirement age and therefore pensions could be abolished.
"All things considered, £50m to make this happen would seem to be money well spent," he added.
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