Prince Andrew has launched his comeback from obscurity - soaring straight to the top of the Shit Parade on the day of the release of his "Bonuses Are Minute" speech, knocking BNP child star Nick Angriff off his number one spot and leaving Jan Moir of the Daily Mail floundering in third place.
Poor little Nick Angriff was left in floods of tears after learning that people now only felt pity for him after his embarrassing performance on The SS Factor on Thursday, and has written to the show's producers, begging to be given a second chance.
Meanwhile, Jan Moir's attempt to become the most hated person in Britain has stalled, since writing in today's Mail that she didn't realise there could be any sort of homophobic angle to her implied suggestion that Stephen Gately was buggered to shreds in a drug-fuelled bum orgy which proved beyond a shadow of doubt that same-sex civil partnerships were nothing but a flimsy mask of respectability for the sort of shameful, debased perversions that would make Sodom and Gomorrah look like Bexhill-on-Sea in winter.
None of his competitors' own goals, however, can detract from the stunning comeback performance of Prince Andrew - who has been devoting his time to his hobbies of skiiing at the taxpayers' expense, golfing at the taxpayers' expense and the selfless charity work of selling British weapons to deserving third-world tyrants - in coming from nowhere to achieve the very pinnacle of detestability in the eyes of the nation.
"I don't want to demonise the banking and financial sector," said the beaming Prince, as he showed a group of murderers the very latest in British crowd-maiming technology. "Bonuses, in the scheme of things, are minute. I mean cripes, what's £6bn when it's spread among so many deserving cases? Why, the poor bugger who handles my investment portfolio barely got enough for a crappy Aston Martin."
"Don't worry, though," he added with a compassionate smile. "I'll pop a little something in his Christmas card. Err... how many noughts in fifty thou? There - six looks about right."
""Actually, between you and me, I'm a bit thick when it comes to large sums," he confided with a grin.
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