More Equipment Will Definitely Bring Lasting Peace To Afghanistan, Says Defence Chief

The Chief of Defence Staff, Sir Jock Strap, says the army definitely needs more and better equipment if it is to have any hope of fulfilling its mission in Afghanistan, whatever it is.

"More helicopters would be nice, yes," he told reporters after a meeting with the Prime Minister in Downing Street. "Although it would be nice if we could use the ones we've had grounded for years because the Yanks won't give us the software codes. So we're stripping all the Scouts, Whirlwinds, Wessexes and Dragonflies from the nation's aviation museums, sanding down the rust patches and shipping them out as fast as we can. They may be old, but by God they're British. Apart from the Whirlwinds, Wessexes and Dragonflies, that is."

"We're also short of armoured personnel carriers, by which I mean something a bit more substantial than a 4x4 with no doors on it," he went on. "So we're currently investigating the possibility of bolting Chobham armour onto a range of affordable town runabouts, like the Smart and that funny-looking new Toyota."

"We also have a pressing operational requirement for a reconnaissance plane that doesn't spontaneously self-combust and a transport that doesn't blow up when somebody takes a pop at it with a rifle," continued Sir Jock, with a dreamy look in his eye. "Fortunately, there's a pink Spitfire that does the rounds at air shows which would seem to fit the former role perfectly, while there are now loads of Dakotas kicking around surplus to requirements in the joyride industry, ever since the government insisted on fitting them with terrorist-proof cockpit bulkheads, and evacuation chutes for the 3ft drop from the door to the ground."

"Of course, what we really need is two gigantic aircraft carriers and some new nuclear missiles," he concluded. "When Johnny Taleban sees HMS QE2 tearing up the road in his direction at 35 knots, decks melting from the combined vertical thrust of a squadron of Joint Strike Fighters, and turns tail only to see his retreat cut off by a big black sub coming up out of the sand, he'll soon acknowledge the tactical weakness of his position."