The Bishop of Chelmsford, the Right Reverend John Gladwin, is urging the Essex faithful to avoid holy water like the plague, unless they want to die horrible piggy deaths.
"Christ on a bleedin' bike, yer bleedin' slag! Avyer gotta def wish or summink?" he bellowed as he smashed his crozier down on the fingers of Liz Winters, 57, as she reached for the font by the entrance to his Chelmsford church. He then viciously hooked her neck backwards, forcing her to look at a noticeboard covered in Sun articles warning that everyone in Britain could - and almost certainly will - die of swine flu, probably before the month is out.
"I betcher orredy got it, incha, yer darft ol' bat," he hissed in her face. "Well, yerz can piss off 'ome ter die. Git on, fack orf outa God's bleedin' 'ahse, befaw I kicks seven bells uv shit aht o'yerz!"
"An' that goes fer the rest o' yerz an' all, yer miserable sinners," he added unctiously. "Git on, 'op it!"
"I think what His Grace the Bishop is trying to impress upon his flock is that he fears that the ceremonial stoups of holy water may harbour the H1N1 virus, should they be used by infected persons," explained the bishop's chaplain, Chris Newlands. "He is also concerned that the ceremonial blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ could become a vehicle for the spread of the virus by passing the chalice from communicants carrying the flu strain to those as yet uninfected, unless the sacrament is consumed solely by the officiating priest."
"Yer, woteva, ya pasty-faced ponce," snarled the bishop. "Piss-up in the vestry afterwards, if yer fink yer 'ard enuff."
"I'm immune, innit, see?" added Rt Rev Gladwin. "God wouldn't dare strike me dahn, 'cos I'm 'oly as fuck."
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