Prime Minister Gordon Brown was seen dancing naked and smeared in his own dung in Downing Street today, after successfully identifying and alienating Labour's last remaining core voters with his new plan to charge them an unfeasible sum for the privilege of having their bottoms washed by a surly teenager on compulsory work experience.
The proposal - one of several options discussed in a Green Paper launched today - would put an end to the current system of meanness-testing, by which lifelong readers of the Daily Mail have to sell their houses, plate collections and grandchildren to pay for a louse-infested bunk in a wooden shack run by pitiless immigrant SS medical experimenters while elderly jobless scum dodder joyfully into free council-run palaces to be waited on hand and foot by liveried servants.
Instead, the government's preferred option is to force everyone to pay £20,000 when they reach the age of 65, for care they may never need, especially if they are forced to work until they drop dead.
Labour's last remaining 200,000 supporters, who are all drooling in care homes, vowed that they would use their party membership cards as toilet paper, if only they could reach.
"I'm 82!" raged Elsie Norris, 87, as she asked her care assistant to stuff a picture of the Prime Minister into her incontinence pants. "82!"
"Are you my dad?" agreed her husband Reg, 90. "I fought in a war, for people like you. These hands here killed Hitler - yes! They put bromide in the tea here, you know."
Alternative schemes dreamed up by Mr Brown to piss off anyone still under the illusion that New Labour bears any relation to the party that gave Britain the NHS and a cradle-to-grave welfare state include a privately-run insurance scheme in which all care is withheld until £25,000 has been paid in, or the state paying for a third of care costs - leaving the elderly to fund the rest by donating organs, drug testing or prostitution.
The Green Paper also points out that bed and board costs - currently averaging around £16,000 a year - will not be covered, in case anyone thinks they might conceivably be able to afford care if they start saving the moment they leave school.
"Let's face it, the next election could go either way - no, seriously," the shit-covered PM told reporters. "But after that, everybody who remembers the 1945 election will be dead, so we won't have to play nicey-nicey to the selfish old farts any more. We will recognise them for the useless mouths they are, making no contribution whatsoever to society. In the future, bin men will be given the additional job of picking up unsightly corpses littering the streets and chucking them in the back of the lorry with the rest of the rubbish. I thought of it last night actually, when I heard about that pissed-up bloke in Brighton. Cheers, pal - your death was not in vain."
Mr Brown then tried to bite several reporters, until his handlers led him back inside Number Ten.
No comments:
Post a Comment