The continuing recession is all swine flu's fault, according to a lot of very wealthy men in suits, and definitely nothing to do with them.
Separate reports from business leaders and highly-paid consultants claim that the H1N1 virus bears sole responsibility for the economic woes of the world, as people are now locking themselves in their homes and refusing to spend any money in case they catch piggy death from the change.
"Make no mistake, that bastard virus is to blame for everything. Hic," said business consultancy expert Nick Things as he staggered from an advisory lunch with Lloyds Bank bosses at Gordon Ramsey's exclusive Chelsea restaurant, Le Cercle, after telling them they probably wouldn't miss another 1,200 IT staff as long as their computer network didn't fall over any time in the next few years. "Now the little people are taking time off sick, avoiding foreign travel and spending less money, damn them all to hell - and it's purely because of this sodding virus. Now if you'll excuse me, old boy, I think I'm going to be copiously sick."
"Listen to my voice. There was no recession until this flu business kicked off," agreed leading futures trader Rob Blind in a soothing voice, as he swung a diamond-encrusted Breitling watch in front of TV cameras. "Everything was fine. You were happy and prosperous. There - was - no - recession."
Say it," he added.
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