Australia today unveiled disturbing plans to conquer the world, with the announcement that it would be acquiring a hundred F-35 fighters, twelve hunter-killer submarines, eight frigates and 24 combat helicopters to replace its current defences - currently consisting of a leaky balloon and a bloke on a surfboard with a pointy stick.
"This massive expansion of our armed forces poses absolutely no threat to our inscrutable, slitty-eyed neighbours, The Yellow Peril," explained Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. "And we harbour no designs whatsoever against the savage Wog Islands of the Pacific Rim, whose surplus abos are undermining our cherished Aryan way of life with their degenerate voodoo rituals."
NATO chiefs, however, have held an emergency meeting in Strasbourg about the threat to world peace posed by Australia's sudden belligerence. After a luxury seven-course dinner, the generals urged the organisation's member states to dig deep into their citizens' pockets to fund a massive military spending programme involving thousands of F-35 fighters, hunter-killer submarines, frigates and combat helicopters.
A spokesman for Lockheed Martin, who are still trying to get the much-delayed F-35 to work, fainted with delight at the news.
"Now all we need is for China to fall for this clunker too, and we're home and dry for decades to come," he said when he came round. "Hell, maybe we'll even throw in a giant catapult to get the bastard airborne."
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