Britain is now officially a dictatorship, after Prime Minister - now Glorious Leader - Gordon Brown rang the newspapers late yesterday evening and screamed: "Look behind you! It's a pig!"
With every available journalist feverishly predicting a mass extinction event for humanity under reassuring banner headlines telling readers 'DON'T PANIC', Mr Brown swiftly cleared the House of Commons by coughing through a paper mask, before single-handedly pushing through a raft of emergency legislation abolishing democracy, proclaiming himself Prime Minister in perpetuity, outlawing all opposition parties, arming the police with wire-guided missiles and declaring an immediate curfew on the streets of Britain.
Seizing control of the airwaves, the Father of the Nation appeared on all channels to announce that his lifelong seizure of total power was, regrettably, the only way in which the country could tackle the unprecedented doomsday threat of lethal swine flu.
"As a precaution, all incoming flights from Mexico have been shot down," he reassured terrified viewers. "Furthermore, acting on the advice of the intelligence services - of which I am now in direct command - your friendly neighbourhood bobbies are now conducting door-to-door executions of the evil terrorist masterminds who are undoubtedly behind the greatest threat that mankind has ever known - namely non-whites, Eastern Europeans, Tories, Lib Dems, climate change protesters and any neighbours you don't happen to like. I urge all loyal servants of the state to stay in your homes until a work schedule is assigned to you. Centre right will prevail!"
Similar anti-flu precautions were reported to be taking place all over the world, before the internet suddenly went dark.
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