The Pope flew into the Lake District this afternoon to offer comfort and a small flask of magic oil to victims of the earthquake which devastated pot plants and brought mantelpiece knick-knacks crashing down all over North West England this morning.
Terrified residents reported hearing a terrible dull thud as the magnitude 3.7 earthquake struck without warning at 11.20am, just as the largely-unemployed population was getting out of bed.
"I really thought a window had blown shut, or summat," wept a relieved survivor in Ulverston, at the very epicentre of the tremor.
Other shocked, tear-streaked witnesses presented a pathetic sight to the watching world as a massive clear-up operation swung into action, with literally dozens of carpets soaked with water from fallen vases, while shattered plant pots left mute trails of soil on kitchen floors as far away as Lytham St Annes in Lancashire.
Meanwhile, Italians living in tents in Umbria, moved by the plight of the Northerners, were reported to be sending emergency supplies of J-cloths and JML stain removers to the region top help with the rescue operation.