Michael Phelps, the top-scoring athlete from the Beijing Olympic Games, has signed the largest sponsorship deal in history, ecstatic marketing executives revealed today.
The swimming star, who carried away eight gold medals, can thank his four-million-calorie diet for the unprecedented corporate attention.
“Michael’s big pointy chin will fill the advertising breaks of television stations across the entire world,” grinned a coke-sniffer in a suit. “A typical advertising break might consist of Michael extolling the virtues of Warburton’s Super-Thick, Three-Slice-per-Loaf Toastie Bread, then slurping down a Bucket Noodle, munching his way through an entire 12-pack of Walkers lard-flavoured crisps and biting a sizeable chunk out of a freshly-slaughtered slab of prime beef before downing a jerrycan of Red Bull’s godawful new pretend-Cola in one.”
“Eat, sleep and swim, that’s all I can do,” beamed the 23-year-old sporting phenomenon, before deafening everyone in earshot with a 150-decibel burp which lasted for a full minute.