The Democratic Party Convention is getting under way in Denver, Colorado, amid heightened security, with Barack Obama scheduled to be formally appointed as the party’s official presidential candidate.
The police are mounting standing helicopter patrols, on alert for Hillary Clinton, who some commentators suspect may appear over the city on a broomstick and cast a wicked spell on the delegates.
Denver’s police chief said that his air units were equipped with the latest witch-seeking missiles, while officers on the ground were shooting black cats, bats and toads on sight within a mile of the convention centre, in case Ms Clinton used her shape-changing powers to sneak through the security cordon.
Party officials are stressing party unity, saying that there is no rift with the Ms Clinton. However, some Clinton supporters have been angered by the news that she was never security-vetted for the vice-presidency, meaning that she was never considered a serious candidate.
With a recent poll suggesting that 52% of her supporters have not yet committed themselves to voting for Mr Obama, there are fears that Hillary may yet have an evil plan up her sleeve, such as turning him into a frog.
“Alternatively, she might put him into an unnatural, death-like trance,” said one convention veteran, “He would then be doomed to sleep until woken by a kiss from an inbred redneck from Alabama - which might take some time.”