Miliband: 'We (Meaning I) Can Still Win The Next Election'

David Miliband is being hailed in the media for throwing down the gauntlet to embattled Prime Minister Gordon Brown in an incendiary article he penned in today’s Guardian.

In the most scathing attack ever launched against a serving leader by a Cabinet member, Miliband One declares open war on Mr Brown, with such inflammatory phrases as “New Labour won three elections by offering real change, not just in policy but in the way we do politics” being interpreted as “Brown is a reactionary dictator whose crass insensitivity to human suffering would make even Stalin blush.”

“You have to understand parliamentary language,” explained the Mirror’s 3am Girls. “When Miliband says, ‘Let's stop feeling sorry for ourselves, enjoy a break, and then find the confidence to make our case afresh’, we seize on the word ‘break’ as a coded call to the Labour Party to administer the coup de grâce to a fatally-wounded PM.”

“It’s all in what Miliband doesn’t say,“added the Sun’s Deirdre. “For example, nowhere in the article does he say, ‘The sulking madman Brown will kill us all in a fit of unhinged sadism, let’s put him in a sack and drown him before it’s too late.’ He doesn’t have to. It’s implicit in the phrase ‘I still believe we can win the next election.’ And when he writes: ‘I agree with Jack Straw that we don’t need a summer of introspection’, the message couldn’t be plainer. He means, quite simply, that Straw is a bumbling chancer who could no more lead the Labour Party than a blowfish could fly a helicopter.”

Supporters of Miliband One point to his unrivalled experience of being young and having a fine set of teeth. A clone brother is also seen as a big advantage.

“If Prime Minister Miliband should accidentally step in front of a bus,” said one backbench Labour MP, “We’d just go to the cryogenic lab where his clone brother Ed is stored, defrost him and nobody would ever notice the difference. Meanwhile we’d make a few more backup copies, giving us an unstoppable army of Miliband that could go on indefinitely. And - unlike Tony Blair - Miliband would never have to age, or show visible signs of strain. As soon as any blemishes appear, we can just decommission the imperfect Miliband and activate a fresh clone. Result: a happy, smiling leader every day, tomorrow and for the rest of your lives.”