Having fat friends makes you fat, according to an international research team of health Nazis who argue that having fat people in your social circle can fool you into thinking that it is permissible to be fat yourself.
The strutting, jackbooted researchers presented their findings at a huge, stage-managed rally in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Striding to the podium, leading researcher Professor Andrew Hitler screamed: “For too long we have tolerated the insidious spread of fat in society! Fuel poverty - the credit crunch - global warming - Islamic fundamentalism - superhero movies - all of these crises have been deliberately engineered by a secret worldwide conspiracy of porkers. You may think your fat mate Dave from IT is a good laugh on a Friday night – but, in reality, his sole aim in life is to make you have that kebab before you pile into the taxi home.”
Thumping the rostrum, the ranting scientist continued: “Now is the time to round up these evil lard-arses, before society collapses under their weight! I envisage some kind of camp, where they can be shovelled into big ovens to burn off all that unsightly fat. Meanwhile, I urge you all to cut yourselves off completely from the wicked fatties. Refuse to buy goods in shops run by fat people! Keep your children home from school until the teachers agree to remove fat kids from the classrooms! Spray ‘Gutbucket’ on their doors and windows! Beat them up in the street! That should be easy - they’re too fat to run away.”
However, some people are beginning to question the claims of the food-ban fuhrers.
“My mate Trace ‘ere is like a size ten, right?” said one young stick insect we spoke to in a downtown bar. “But if I din’ ‘ave ‘er wiv me when I goes art on the pull, blokes might cast a more critical eye over me, yeah? And then they might twig that I’m just a gobby little bag of bones wiv ‘air art of a bottle and skin like I’ve been tangoed. So good on yer, Trace love - you jus’ keep eatin’ them crisps, girl.”