The actor Patrick Stewart – best known for playing Star Trek’s Captain Picard, unless you’re under 25, in which case he’s Professor Xavier – has been made a Professor of Performing Arts by the prestigious Huddersfield University, of which he is honorary chancellor.
Professor Xavier led 400 cheering mutants through the town centre for the inaugural graduate procession, to the delight of those students who thought he really was confined to a wheelchair.
The graduates in the procession exhibited a wide range of abilities, including chameleon skin, telepathy, electric hands and weather control. However, the ceremonial march was suddenly interrupted by the arrival of the evil Sir Ian McKellen and his rival clan of young mutant misfits. In the ensuing battle, much of Huddersfield was laid waste, causing misery to the cowering inhabitants and great joy to the council’s planning department.
The epic struggle was ended by the arrival of the starship Enterprise, which beamed down an away team led by the rotund Commander Riker, who sat on Sir Ian until he agreed to leave the town in peace. As he led his mutants away, however, the magnetic super-villain threatened to return next year at the head of an unstoppable hobbit army.
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