Pupils To Be Searched for Hidden Intelligence

The government is set to bring in legislation allowing teachers to search students for concealed knowledge, following recommendations in a report by their top advisor on behaviour in schools, Sir Alan Steer.

Children’s Secretary Ed Balls took time out from counting his money to say: “We have already successfully introduced tests at Key Stages 3 and 4 for knives and other weapons, and soon teachers will be able to seek out the tell-tale signs of intelligence in their pupils.”

Parents’ organisations have mixed feelings about the proposals.

“I think, right, every child should carry a brain wiv ‘em, yeah? Just in case,” said Teena Slapper of Chavside, London. “You never know, it might come in handy one day, sort of, if they’re in a tight spot innit.”

However, Kevin Gutter of Sinkhall, Manchester took the opposite view. “I don’t want me nippers coming back from school with no fancy ideas between their ears, like,” he argued. “They already give us lip whenever they get at the White Lightning, noworramean?”

Teachers’ unions have so far given a lukewarm reaction to the plans, saying that their members are already staggering under a punishing workload of checking for knives, guns, Indiana Jones-style bullwhips, weapons of mass destruction, tiredness, pregnancy, drugs, alcohol, caffeine, cyber-bullying, abusive parents, visible symbols of faith and head lice.

“We are already overworked and overburdened - note the use of synonyms for emphasis – without being saddled with this unworkable scheme,” commented a Mr Peters, a supply official from the National Union of Teachers. “There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to do all the tasks the government expects of us, no matter how many teachers there are or how long it takes one of them. Schoolchildren are experts at concealing signs of intelligence. That’s two L’s, remember.”

“Did you hear that, everyone?” responded Mr Balls. “He said they’re all going on strike again!”

Newspaper reporters eagerly licked their pencils, and began to churn out the usual headlines about the extravagant holiday lifestyles of the teaching profession.