Wednesday, 16 July 2008

You Don't Have To Be Mad To Work Here, But Help Yourself

A survey published today claims that almost a fifth of Britain’s MPs have suffered from mental health problems.

The survey of 94 parliamentarians revealed a range of disorders, including (but not limited to) uncontrollable urges to steal public funds, compulsive lying, rampant egomania, obsessively gambling with the nation’s finances, random aggressive outbursts, and an autistic tendency to live in their own little bubble with a blatant disregard for the effects of their actions on others.

Meanwhile, the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Mental Health found that 86% of MPs thought that being an MP was stressful.

“Just look at the Prime Minister,” said a spokesman. “He’s wandering miserably around the world, transferring his problems onto other people, telling them they need to act to reduce their carbon footprints while missing his own targets by a country mile. Back home, he’s in complete denial, insisting in the face of all evidence that there is no recession. He’s a sad, isolated figure, who clings desperately to the hope that his friend George can somehow wave some kind of magic wand and solve all his problems for him - rather than facing the reality of his situation, and taking personal responsibility for the mess he’s got himself into and doing something positive about it. Exercise can make people feel better about themselves - perhaps he ought to take a hike.”

Some people have, however, said that the all-party group itself is hardly in a position to talk.

“They’re supposed to report on the state of the nation’s mental well-being,” complained a clinical psychologist, “But instead they’re completely obsessed with themselves as usual. If they think being an MP is stressful, they should try slaving away in a call centre for all the hours God sends, on £6.50 an hour.”

“After the next election, we might just do that,” moaned one cabinet minister, reaching for the Valium.

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