Health Secretary Alan Johnson is today unveiling a revolutionary new government strategy that will offer more people the opportunity to fuck off and die at home.
“Sadly, 58% of the half a million Britons who die every year do so in a hospital,” said Mr Johnson, “The Department of Health is keen to reduce that percentage by a significant amount, because that’s an awful lot of bedclothes that have to be washed. And let’s not forget all those bereaved relatives lowering everyone’s morale with their weeping and wailing, which the companies who run the on-site retail facilities say is putting their customers right off their skinny lattés and croissants. So we all put our heads together and thought, ‘These people are going to die anyway - why not offer them the choice of passing away quietly and with dignity, nicely tucked up in the familiar and comforting surroundings of their own homes?’”
“In addition, this will free up loads of expensive equipment,” he went on to say, “Which can then be leased out for the benefit of ailing third-world dictators with bulging Swiss bank accounts, vets offering MRI scans for pampered cats, dogs and budgies, and private healthcare providers playing on the fears of well-off hypochondriacs by urging them to undergo over-complicated ‘life checks’ and unnecessary surgery. In fact, everyone’s a winner!”
The Department of Work and Pensions is said to be fully behind the scheme, and is working strenuously to find any excuse not to raise pensions and benefits in line with skyrocketing food and utility bills this coming September.
“This should cut our overall expenditure nicely by the time the next budget rolls around,” explained James Purnell, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions. “We’re looking at helping record numbers of people to fuck off and die of cold and starvation in the comfort of their own homes this winter.”