The Bishop of New Hampshire, dressed in his traditional regalia of leather shorts and a construction helmet, was permanently interrupted yesterday by a lone protester while delivering a sermon at a church in Putney.
The openly-gay Bishop Gene Barrowman – who has been snubbed by the forthcoming Lambeth Conference of Anglican bishops - was speaking on fear in the church when a black-cowled figure rose from the midst of the congregation, pointed a gnarled staff at the bishop and declared in a powerful voice, “I smell… HERESY!”
The figure then threw back its cowl and a rippled murmur of shock ran through the congregation as the Witchfinder General stood revealed among them.
The awe-inspiring enforcer of medieval morality strode forward, pulling a small black cat from his robe, which he threw at Bishop Barrowman. The terrified cat dug its claws into the bishop, at which the interloper declared, in resonant tones: “See! His wicked familiar clings to him in his hour of need!”
The Witchfinder then produced a small portable bonfire from beneath his voluminous cloak and, striking Bishop Gene on the shoulder with his staff of office, demanded, “Do you repent of your disgusting sin, worm of Satan?”
The condemned cleric stammered, “Er… I think that today, in a very real sense, we are in danger of losing sight of…” but was stunned into silence by another blow from the church enforcer’s chastising rod.
“The bible says ‘Burn the heretic!’” exclaimed the Witchfinder.
“Where?” piped up a solitary voice from the congregation.
“Chapter 12, verse 23, St. Paul’s Letter to the Hooligans,” snapped back the black-garbed defender of the faith, “Look it up. Now you shall be cleansed in the purifying fire, loathsome heretic!”
At this point Jesus descended from Heaven to proclaim His Second Coming; but nobody paid any attention as the screaming deviant bishop was spit-roasted to death before the altar, while the cackling Witchfinder passed out marshmallows on sticks to the cowed congregation.
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