British Gas owner Centrica has warned that prices are set to rise by more than 60% early in the next decade, raising the average household bill to over £1000.
Centrica’s managing-quite-nicely-thanks director Jake Ulrich said: “We’re part of a world economy and I don’t think we can rely on UK production or cheap gas, cheap energy of any sort any more.”
Mr Ulrich added that the price of gas was tied to soaring oil prices, but somehow omitted to explain why.
“I think people will change the temperature they keep the house, they’ll be more cognisant of energy waste, they’ll buy better appliances,” he went on to say, still not mentioning why gas prices were linked to oil.
“I think people will use less energy and I hate to go back to Jimmy Carter days in the US, but maybe it’s two jumpers instead of one,” he added, which did not really go very far at all in explaining the link between gas and oil prices.
“Look, I’m hurting too,” said Mr Ulrich from the upper deck of his corporate cabin cruiser. “Have you any idea how much it costs to run one of these babies nowadays? There’s a couple of 950-horsepower Mercuries under the deck back there. Without this floating vodka tank helping us to get those Gazprom people absolutely trashed every time we re-negotiate the Russian supply contracts, you’d probably be paying twice as much again. You wouldn’t believe how much petrol this ocean-going drinks cabinet gets through on a round trip to the Black Sea.”
We asked if that was the reason why gas prices were linked to oil - but unfortunately Mr Ulrich had to excuse himself, as he was too busy taking delivery of another wheelbarrow of fivers to answer any more questions.
Meanwhile, in the United States, former Vice-President Al Gore is trying to persuade his countrymen to abandon fossil fuels as a source of power generation within a decade, drive normal-sized cars and spell ‘colour’ with a U.