Expendable Foreign Office Twerp To Win Second Term For Cameron By Goading Argentina Into Invading Falklands

The Foreign Office minister with special responsibility for Latin America and paperclips, Jeremy Nobody MP, is being sent to the Falkland Islands for a week on a mission to irritate the holy living crap out of Argentina.

May they remain British forever

“I'm going to coincide with the conclusion of the Falklands war, which should piss the spicks off a treat,” yawped the hole under Mr Nobody’s nose. “I will be going in June for the 30th anniversary, digging up a dead Argie conscript and waving his mouldy bones about in front of the world’s TV cameras. If that doesn’t kick things off, I will be flown out in Price William’s helicopter to relieve my gonads over the spot where the General Belgrano went down. If that doesn’t get Johnny Foreigner baying for a vote-winning rematch, well, I’m a greasy dago.”

Foreign Office sources say that, once Prince William and Mr Nobody have been successfully martyred, David Cameron will ride to a guaranteed second-term election landslide on a wave of bloodthirsty public calls for vengeance - by pulling Britain’s armed forces out of Afghanistan and shoving them out of the back of a Hercules, onto the heads of the new generation of Argentine cannon-fodder sent out to retake the Malvinas, heroically liberating the islands’ valuable reserves of penguins, sheep and superstitious villagers from the intolerable oppression of being forced at gunpoint to wear ponchos and take mandatory naps in the middle of the afternoon, or something.

“The PM got the idea from watching ‘The Iron Lady’,” admitted Foreign Secretary William Hague. “I’d have gone myself, but the nation simply can’t afford to lose my inspired handling of whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing.”