Smokers And Drinkers Tell Eaters: ‘We Warned You This Would Happen’

Only these are safe to eat, until we tell you they aren't

Pinch-faced, goose-stepping health obsessives have finally got round to focusing their anger on the disgusting, weak-willed eaters of food, it emerged today – exactly as smokers and drinkers said was bound to happen, sooner or later.

“The instantly-addictive biohazard, sugar, is destined to kill every living thing on the planet unless we stigmatize the slack-jawed morons who selfishly consume it,” seethed professors Robert Himmler, Laura Goebbels and Claire Hitler of the University of California’s Department of Health Fascism. “Criminalize the scum who recklessly inflict secondary sugar on innocent bystanders as they indulge their filthy habit in public. Kill off the cynical cartoon character, Mr Cube, in favour of full-pack color photos of autopsies. Make it a capital offense to sell candy to kids. Tax it till it farts.”

Heroic members of the smoking and drinking resistance, meanwhile, solemnly went on to explain that the first concentration camps for forcibly converting everyone who still enjoys anything into biofuel are now scheduled to come online in 2020 - five years earlier than planned.