Plastic Toy Will Definitely Make You Forget Crushing Disappointment Of Your Existence This Time

Your little friends really will beckon you into their world like this

Thousands of hollow-eyed refugees from life queued for hours to be the first to escape into a gaudy 3D world of pixellated gratification, as Nintendo’s eagerly-awaited new toy finally went on sale today.

“Look – we gave a couple to Tinchy Snyder and Blue,” said a gloating suit from Nintendo. “Just hand over your last £230 – sorry, cheques not accepted - and you too can be exactly like them in every way.”

“With not one but two screens, the last Nintendo toy promised to totally make me forget about the black decades of constant disappointment that will be the rest of my life,” explained champion thumb-twitcher Josh Geake, who joined the queue outside HMV’s Oxford Street temple of empty promises last night. “Somehow, though, that didn’t quite work out. Looking back, the missing ingredient was obviously a limited version of 3D. So I have no doubt at all that this new plastic thing will lock my mind forever in a colour-saturated fantasy world of running and jumping and finding things, finally locking out the bad thing forever.”

“Just in case it doesn’t, though, I sent my mum out last night to queue up for an iPad2,” he added. “When I get home, my life will be perfect.”