Cash Machines To Dispense Your Last Fiver

You can have one more, then, just for old time's sake

The Bank of England confirmed today that you will be soon able to draw that last fiver out of your bank account, taking you to within pennies of your overdraft limit, thanks to the addition of crisp new £5 notes to thousands of cash machines.

“With a hack-and-slash budget just around the corner, millions of people will soon be wistfully eyeing that tantalising last few pounds which their ATM – being full of unattainable £10 and £20 denominations - is not, at present, inclined to give them,” smiled the head of the Bank of England’s notes division, Victoria Cleland. “The printing of these extra £5 notes means that as many as 15% of cash machines will be able to dispense the wherewithal for one paltry last meal before you finally accept that the time has come to have yourself declared bankrupt.”

“Of course, you could quite easily have burnt a fiver’s-worth of petrol before you find a cash machine with £5 notes in,” she laughed. “Oh, I love you little people - you’re so funny.”