Propaganda Department Only For Olympics, Promise MPs

There's a good chap

The Foreign Affairs Committee has published a report urging the government to set up a special unit to rebuff and correct negative stories about Britain which could damage the country’s reputation during the build-up to the 2012 Olympic Games.

The unit – which would not be known as the Ministry of Propaganda, said the MPs, because of certain negative connotations – would be tasked with promoting Britain as diverse, inclusive, friendly, orderly, helpful, peace-loving, nutritious, big-hearted, crime-free, sustainable, well fit, paved with gold, elysian, huggable, lemon fresh, utopian, scrumptious, tropical, 100% organic, bouncing with health, always ready with a cup of tea and a cheery song; or, as the committee put it, “in a word - perfect.”

“During the Olympics there will be some 25,000 reporter johnnies in Britain, and most of them damnably foreign to boot,” said chairman Richard Ottaway, “What you have to bear in mind is that these games are going to be watched by four billion wogs, all of whom are going to see that the bloody place is falling to bits if we’re not careful.”

The committee proposes that any foreign news reports of rubbish-strewn shopping centres, run-down inner cities, panhandling drug addicts, Muslims, gang-related shootings, neo-nazi marches, howling drunk Scotsmen, Daily Mail headlines or riot police hammering the crap out of disabled protesters would be countered immediately with smiling ministerial pronouncements that the silly journalists had inadvertently wandered into a family-friendly theme park showcasing the bad old days under Labour. The straying reporters would then be assigned a helpful police minder to save them from accidentally departing from the script again.

Prime minister David Cameron said he would take the committee’s recommendations on board, stressing that the propaganda unit would, naturally, only be in existence for the duration of the Olympics.

“After that, you have my solemn word that you will hear no more of it,” he promised, with a wide grin.